Addictions

I was going to call this post "Moderation" but as I began to write I realized that moderation is not actually the problem I mean to address today.  I started out explaining how moderation was a good thing but that I was not good at "doing moderation."  But that's not actually true.  In some things I'm quite moderate.  I'm moderate in drinking wine for example, outside of the rare times when I may overindulge I usually have no more than two glasses in a day.  Other things I used to allow to get out of hand I've moderated.  I once was quite out of control on Facebook, checking it all through the day and feeling uncomfortable if I didn't check for a couple of hours.  After a few "fasts" from that I find it is not so difficult to moderate.  Online games, especially Civilization, were once a problem, yet now I am able to play for a while and then put it aside to do other things without the feeling of "one more turn" that used to afflict me.

So what am I going about here then?  I'm getting ready to talk about my uncontrolled bread addiction!  Is that crazy or what?

Yes, I am addicted to carbs, especially in the form of good high gluten bread!  Yum!  Isn't that just the best stuff you ever tasted?  Indeed it is wonderful.  The problem is, no matter how hard I try to moderate my eating of these foods, bread and pasta and chips and so on, I cannot stop.  I eat until I'm full, and then I eat some more, wait a little while, fart once or twice and start in again.  I am now convinced this is the one area where I'm not going to be able to be moderate, just like tobacco I need to cut it out of my life totally.  When I was quitting smoking I quit for a year and decided I could have "just one smoke" once in a while.  So I had a smoke.  Then didn't have one for few days and had another.  "See?" I told myself, "you can do this in moderation, no problem!"  So I had a couple a day, then 6 or 7 a day and then I was back to my pack a day addiction within a month or so. Same with bread.  I know I ought not to eat it because I have symptoms that are uncomfortable when I eat it, the bloating and constant gas and painful cramps are tolerable though, if I get to eat bread and pizza.  The painful joints, swollen and arthritic elbows and knees and fingers that weren't that way while I was avoiding all gluten and grains carefully, that's OK too, as long as I can have pizza and warm french rolls slathered in butter... 

Yeah, it's crazy all right.  The thing that has slapped me in the face recently though is the fact that since I decided I could go off of  my restricted diet I have gained 15 pounds!  That is rapid weight gain, and it's all attributable to the uncontrollable urge to pound carbs.  I've read in numerous places that carbs like breads are especially addictive, physically addictive and not just for the emotional gratification of eating yummy foods.  I was going to link to some of the articles but if you want to find out about it just do a search on bread or carb addiction and you'll find all sorts of information. I'll give you one right here though. 

So, is Pizza worth increased joint pain?  Worth bloating and gas?  Worth cramps and pain in the guts? Worth becoming obese?  Worth reducing my portions carefully and suffering constant pangs of desire for more?  YES!   I mean no, not really.  

Suddenly it has become clear to me that this is not just a simple matter of wanting a sandwich because it's tasty and easy to prepare and eat.  Not just a matter of liking the taste of pizza, which I really do of course.  No, it's worse than that, it's just like the cigarettes, I know it's killing me and I don't even care when I'm in the act of getting my fix, my pizza or my rolls or my two big sandwiches... I just don't care what it's doing to me, I have to have it, and then I have to have more.

This is an addiction for sure.  It's not something I can moderate, God knows I've tried that enough times to know better.  Add to that the fact that I started up on it again in spite of it causing me actually physical ...

So, it's time to quit cold turkey I suppose, it hurts too much to continue this way.  I ask any who know me not to mock me or argue with me or tell me just to be moderate, it is not going to happen that way.  My scale does not lie, it hit 200 this morning, up from 185 when I decided I could be "moderate" a few weeks ago.  I've been munching Naproxen Sodium and Ibuprofen and Aspirin like candy and still can hardly pick up my coffee cup.  I'm practically jet propelled when I walk down the street... this is insane.