Monday, August 8, 2011

Hey God! WTF?

I woke up at 3:00am this morning in the midst of a dream where I was pounding on the door of the "Control Room" of the universe.  God's command and control center if you will.  I was shouting at him through the door asking him, "What in the fuck do you think you are doing?"  Usually I don't say such things to God but I was asleep at the time so it just slipped out. 

I can't honestly say what the rest of the dream was about, it's just that one last scene that was in my mind when I woke up.  Back filling explanations using my way too vivid imagination, which I've done all my life when I found myself doing inexplicable things, involved coming to grips with the idea of Asperger's Syndrome and the very depressing thought that it's not a disorder than can be treated but just the way I'm wired.  I'm not going to stop being weird, ever :-)  I've always sort of embraced my weirdness, glorying in doing things that push the boundaries of normal behavior.  But somehow knowing that I really never had a choice in being this way sort of takes all the fun out of it! 

Anyway, not being able to get back to sleep I got up and lit some candles, I dislike bright lights when I'm trying to sleep, and scratched in my journal for a few minutes hoping to get sleepy again.  Didn't happen so I got up and showered, using actual soap and shampoo for the first time in many weeks.  I should explain about that I suppose.  I read somewhere, I don't recall where and don't feel like googling it at the moment, that soaps and shampoos are somehow "bad" for you because of the chemicals in them.   I also read that you didn't really need them anyway.  So I've been doing an extended experiment where I didn't use them but still took a nice hot shower every morning.  It worked pretty well I thought, though I noticed myself smelling a bit ripe from time to time.  :-)  Duh.  Then I read in several places that AS people tend to neglect personal Hi Gene!  I decided that maybe it would be better to risk chemical poisoning and not offend the people who had to be near me.  No one said anything about me smelling bad the whole time though so maybe I didn't, then again NT's don't always come out and say what they are thinking do they? 

As I was writing in my journal I was continuing to complain to God about this faulty wiring that has apparently been installed in my brain.  Now, I don't want it to be changed because then I wouldn't be who I am.  "I" would not exist then.  But really what is the point of being smart, and I know I am because the NT world gave me all sorts of tests over and over and told me I was, in school and in the Army where I was offered an appointment to West Point that I turned down, if I can't really use it?

I feel like I have a V8 engine in an old VW hippie van with broken suspension, wobbly steering, a burnt out clutch and no fucking breaks!   Whenever I run the engine (think) I fly off the road and crash, so I finally gave up trying to use it at it's full potential and just leave it in first gear and try not to get killed idling down the road of life day after day, because crashing hurts.  Sure I bounce up and say "I'm OK!" and pretend it doesn't matter but hell that's a lie and we all know it. 

I don't know where to go from here actually, I'm done writing but, unlike in sitcoms, I haven't solved all my problems in 30 minutes.  "

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