But the computer eventually came to be connected to the internet, and on the internet began to appear distractions of all sorts.
First among the distractions was something called "Newsgroups" where I could have conversations with strangers about various subjects. Along with conversations were newsgroups where people posted pictures and I spent way too much time downloading thousands of sci-fi and fantasy paintings that I still have on my computer today. Then there were groups where pirated music was posted and I downloaded thousands of songs.
Next came the world wide web, with blogs and news sites and all the linked information that is available in the world. I started a blog and my writing went from paper to word-processor to the web, and the number of words and the amount of thought I gave to them declined further and further as I succumbed to the distractions and temptations of the web.
Then there was my final downfall, Facebook. First I linked to my blog, then I wrote shorter and shorter posts about my thoughts, then it was pictures of my family and what I was doing and eventually it was just reposting "memes" other people made that expressed some superficial thought of the moment, mostly negative and often vulgar and always anti-government.
Over the years I went from spending most of my free time thinking, reading books and writing to spending most of my free time posting to Facebook and "liking" other people's posts.
A number of times I attempted to rein in this habit, to restrict the amount of time I spent on the computer, to only post and read on Facebook for an hour a day for example, it never worked. Time after time I declared loudly to all that I was finished with Facebook and was leaving. Over and over I closed down my account only to come back after a day or two or a week or two when I was really determined.
Of late I have resumed writing almost exclusively with a pen on paper, loose leaf sheets rather than sprial notebooks because I can lay them flat on my desk and I prefer that over the lump of metal on the side of the page. But still I have not spent the time writing and reading and more importantly, just sitting quietly and thinking, that I once did.
Finally though I think I have made a breakthrough. Father Hezekias, my priest and spritiual Father, has noticed what I post to Facebook and the negative spirit, and coarse language I have been using there, and has more than once advised me to leave that medium. Today he pulled me aside after Divine Liturgy and advised that again. I am taking this advice to heart, first of all because the spiritual impact of being on Facebook is horrible to me. I'm not saying it's bad for everyone, but it most certainly is for me. But in addition to the spiritual aspect there is the fact that it is the end point of a dark downward spiral in my mental life in general. From a thinker and dreamer and writer I became a "reactor" who clicked a thumbs up or a smiling face to indicate I like something. I am ashamed of how low I've stooped over the last few years. Starting at this moment, on this day, I'm finished with most of the internet. I'll keep this blog, of course, and I'll post pictures of the family to Instagram, at least for now. But I hope that I will again return to thinking and writing and reading, maybe even just sitting quietly alone and listening to music with complete focus on the sounds, not just as background noise. Really the modern digital world has been a bad thing for me I think.
Thanks for reading this far, if anyone has. I'll be back another day with more I'm sure.
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